Table talk

Well, it's hard to hail a taxi without speaking

BOOZERS (sorry, beer connoisseurs) visiting the Belgian Beer Weekend on the Grand Place in Brussels earlier this month were disappointed not to see any of the monks from the country's great Trappist breweries attending. So where were they? Rumour has it that, when a small group was allowed out to attend last year's bash, it took them three whole days to find their way back to the monastery.

Just sprinkle some whisky - it'll come up half-cut

TALK about stockpiling... Before the fuel shortage became a crisis, Martin Cummings of Amberley Castle had the foresight to fill up his cars, jerry cans and six petrol containers. Just a day later the storage area was broken into and the whole lot pinched. Needless to say, the lawns were not mown last week.

Problem was, she wouldn't fit into the foil tray

MEANWHILE, Anne Walker, managing director of Springboard UK, showed her quick-thinking nature when she found herself stranded on the first day of the petrol crisis last week. To her dismay, she was met at the taxi rank of her local train station with a sign telling her that there were no taxis available because they had run out of fuel. Finding herself marooned five miles from home, she quickly hit on the perfect solution. She went to a nearby Indian restaurant, ordered a meal to be delivered to her home and asked the staff if, when they delivered her meal, they would take her home too. Ten out of 10 for initiative, we say.

Just so long as the Greek island wasn't Lesbos

THE late Alec Guinness was one of those actors who proved that sex appeal is not necessarily a matter of looking like Brad Pitt. The quantities of female fan mail that arrived for him at the Garrick Club included one letter from a lady in the Greek islands who enclosed a photograph of herself in a somewhat erotic pose of self-gratification, which provoked some interest among the tightly knit network of club secretaries in London. Guinness may have been unbothered by such things, but one of the club managers took a different view. "If I received a photo like that," he remarked, "I'd be on the next plane to Greece."

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and a trophy

A NORTH Yorkshire chef and hotelier has impressed judges with her latest gastronomic creation. Ann Stafford, of the Beverley House hotel in Scarborough, has been awarded a Spammie trophy, the canned meat industry's answer to the Grammy, after scooping the title Spam Chef of the Year. She said of her award-winning Spam salad: "It is one of the most popular menu items in the hotel. It is quick and easy and at the same time simply delicious."

Eat all that pepperoni, and I predict stomach pains

AND finally, an Italian restaurant is giving its customers a chance to find out what their futures hold. Joegios in Consett, County Durham, has its own tarot reader, Izzy. According to the owner, Iranian Joe Zafarani, Izzy has become a big hit with the customers and has so far proved accurate in 85% of her readings. She certainly had her finger on the pulse of Zafarani's love life when she predicted that his first child would be born the following week. His son, Hanzeh, was actually due in five weeks but, on cue, made his appearance a week later. Definitely a case of "pasta la vista, baby".