Table talk

Caterers in Essex have been asked to keep a watchful eye out after the UK's largest edible crab was stolen from the Sea Life Centre, Southend-on-Sea.

Staff fear Big Frank, who weighs 11lb 8oz, could end up in a restaurant cooking pot.

False hopes for the errant crustacean's swift return were raised the day after last week's theft, when nearby eaterie the Rock Lobster was offered a massive specimen by a local supplier. Sadly, it turned out not to be Big Frank, but the restaurant nevertheless donated it to the centre as a stand-in.

If you thought that the Scots' fascination with the deep-fried, battered Mars bar was a catering nightmare, consider the news I learned this week from a chippy in Portland, Dorset.

Hot sellers at Ray's Fish and Chip Shop are battered Snickers, Bounty, Milky Way and - the most revolting piece of "fast food" I have ever heard of - deep-fried, battered chewing gum.

Worrying news for foodies has emerged from the land of cuckoo clocks and Heidi.

Doctors at the University Hospital of Zurich have observed a disorder dubbed "gourmand syndrome" whereby some people with brain injuries develop an all-consuming drive to devour fine foods.

The theory casts new light on the state of mind of self-styled gourmets.

Something is rotten in the state of France. That most maligned of dishes - at least by real men - the Quiche Lorraine, has emerged as the number one choice in the French gastronomic charts, ahead of such traditional favourites as le steak-frites and pot-au-feu.

This apparent desertion of traditional values deepens the sense of crisis arising from another recent revelation - that the average Frenchman's wine consumption has plunged from 153 bottles a year in 1980 to a paltry 90 today.

The fault seems to lie with the nation's youth, who are opting for a more frenetic, "eat-on-the-hoof" lifestyle.

Following my revelation earlier this year that nuns at a York convent have set up a £15-a-night B&B, I bring you further tidings of competition from the ecclesiastical sector.

The vicar of All Saints Church in Hereford has opened a licensed vegan café in its nave to help pay for the upkeep of the building. But not everyone in the church was impressed by the novel fund-raising idea. "There were some reservations at diocesan level," conceded the Reverend.

Members of Small Luxury Hotels of the World have been swapping tales of their guests' most unreasonable requests.

Most memorable was the guest at the Kinloch House Hotel, Perthshire, who asked for red satin sheets, a camcorder and handcuffs. The request was withdrawn after the hotel asked for payment up front.

He thought the name was gaelic for 'tent'

Paratrooper Stewart Francis did the Eilean Iarmain hotel a favour last week, when he checked in for an illicit night of comfort rather than put up with a tough outdoor exercise on the Isle of Skye.

The nation may be divided on whether he had shown admirable initiative or was besmirching the regiment's reputation, but the hotel has no complaints - bookings are up and there has never been such demand for brochures.